What 400 People Remember About the Worst Feedback They Ever Got
Most of us think we're pretty good at giving feedback. We're direct. We're honest. We focus on the work, not the person. We care about helping people improve.
And yet.
Research by Bin Zhao, Rebecca L. Dunkailo, Judith Clair, and Ryan L. Boyd found that 81% of over 400 U.S. workers reported feeling belittled or humiliated at some point in their careers. More striking: over 78% described feedback so hurtful they recalled it vividly, sometimes years later.
Here's what stuck with them: not the performance issue itself, but the emotional wreckage. Feelings of humiliation, shaken confidence, and loss of trust dominated their recollections, shaping how they behaved long after the incident had passed.
I still remember the feedback my boss gave me in my early twenties. He was generally very agreeable and complimentary of my work. The feedback went something like this: You're great at the work. You work quickly and with care. Everyone here really likes you. And also - you're too confident.
It stung. Confidence is deeply personal. It's something you build carefully, layer by layer, especially when you're starting out. I've always been self-conscious. Believe it or not, my palms still sweat when I'm about to speak up in a meeting. To be told I had too much of the thing I was quietly trying to cultivate felt like being called out for something I didn't even know I was doing wrong.
Here's the thing: my boss wasn't trying to hurt me. And most managers who give destructive feedback aren't either.
When asked why their bosses gave destructive feedback, respondents didn't point to malice. Instead, they identified time pressure, lack of training, or "emotional leakage" - when a manager feels embarrassment or anxiety and reacts in a way to regulate their own emotions, often unconsciously, rather than to support the recipient to learn and improve.
You're not a bad person. You're just stressed, untrained, or managing your own discomfort poorly. And the person sitting across from you will remember this conversation for years.
Three Principles to Stop Doing Damage
1. Separate your feelings from their development.
If you're anxious, embarrassed, or frustrated, that's information about you - not a license to discharge it onto someone else. Before giving feedback, ask yourself: Am I trying to help this person improve, or am I trying to feel better? If it's the latter, delay the conversation.
2. Name the gap, not the person.
"You're too confident" told me nothing useful. A better version: "In client meetings, I've noticed you make strong recommendations before asking clarifying questions. Let's talk about how to build in more discovery upfront." The behavior is specific. The path forward is clear. My identity isn't up for debate.
3. Check your training - or admit you don't have it.
Most managers have never been taught how to give feedback well. If you're winging it based on how your own terrible bosses did it, you're likely doing damage. Get trained. Read about it. Practice. And if you're about to give high-stakes feedback and you're not sure how, say so: "I want to talk about X, and I want to do it in a way that's helpful. Can we schedule time so I can prepare?"
The feedback people remember isn't always the feedback that helps them grow. Sometimes it's just the feedback that broke something.
If you're a manager, you have more power in these moments than you think. Use it carefully.
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Ellie Hearne is a leadership coach, facilitator, and Head Instructor of Oxford University's AI-Driven Business Transformation Executive Programme. She partners with leaders at organizations including Apple, Google, LVMH, Mastercard, and Spotify. A Trustee of the University of St Andrews American Foundation and GlobalScot business ambassador, Ellie has been featured in The New York Times, Fast Company, and Business Insider.
Source: Zhao, B., Dunkailo, R.L., Clair, J., & Boyd, R.L. (2026). "When Feedback Crosses the Line." Harvard Business Review.