Coaching - A Case for Discomfort?
Coaching is everywhere. That does not mean it is the right answer.
Coaching has become the default solution for almost any professional discomfort. That’s a mistake.
Sometimes coaching is exactly the right tool. Sometimes it’s the wrong one. Knowing the difference is where most people go wrong — and where poor coaching does real damage.
Here’s how to get value from a coaching engagement, including how to tell when you should not be in one at all.
Coach, mentor, or therapist: choose the right tool.
If what you want is advice from someone who has already walked the path you are trying to navigate, you’re not looking for a coach; you’re looking for a mentor.
Mentorship is often misunderstood and poorly executed, which is why people might default to coaching instead. Done well, mentorship benefits both parties and offers direction and sponsorship that no coaching framework can replace. Done poorly, it’s vague, one-sided, and frequently rescheduled. That failure does not make coaching the answer.
If what you want is a place to vent with people who understand your context, you may not need either. A peer group or a work friend can be far more effective when the goal is sense-making rather than change.
And if a workplace conflict shifts from frustration into fixation — when it becomes obsessive, emotionally consuming, or destabilizing — coaching is no longer appropriate. Therapy then becomes a reasonable, important option. (Mental health requires mental health expertise, after all.)
Fit matters more than credentials.
A good coaching relationship depends less on certification and more on fit.
You should understand how a coach works, how they challenge, and what they do when progress stalls. They work for you, but they should not agree with you by default. You might ask a prospective coach, “What’s your approach?” and “What kinds of clients do you take on?” But also consider these questions:
"Tell me about a time you challenged a client. What happened next?" Evasive or overly tidy answers are information. Good coaches should have plenty of stories about pushing back.
"What's a situation where you'd tell me I don't need coaching?" If they can't name one, they're more interested in your retainer than your success.
"How do you handle it when a client isn't making progress?" You want a coach who's going to call it out, not let you coast.
Coaching is not friendly accompaniment. It’s not comfort. Sometimes the useful response is not smoothing the surface but reinforcing the consequence. That distinction matters more than methodology.
And… If you think you are the smartest person in every room, you need to know two things. You are not. And saying that makes it obvious. The leaders who benefit most are those who assume there is always more to learn.
Coaching red flags worth taking seriously.
A few patterns reliably undermine coaching engagements:
The yes-man. Constant affirmation of your existing approach. This is a missed opportunity for you to raise your game - and a recipe for negatively impacting the people around you. (Why listen to them when your coach says you’re awesome?)
The salesperson. More focused on closing, extending, or upselling than on your development. Trust erodes quickly, and many people walk away from coaching altogether after this experience.
The ego. A coach who talks at length about their own achievements has confused the subject of the work.
Credentials and trends won’t compensate for poor judgment, lack of backbone, or an inability to challenge power thoughtfully.
A final distinction.
Good coaching is not about being liked. It is about being useful.
If you have never been coached, or if you had a bad experience and dismissed the entire field, it is worth revisiting the idea with clearer criteria. Ask harder questions. Expect to be challenged. And be wary of anyone who seems more invested in keeping you comfortable than in helping you change.
That’s usually where the real difference shows up.